26 Shades of Noir
by reallycoolguy1990
Summary: In honor of the newly released "Grey" where it's implied several time's that a body part Christian Grey's is more than just any old regular body part.


Christian Grey always knew he was special. One day while taking a test in school, he found out just how special.

Christian Grey sits peering at his test. His eyes are as grey as some grey rocks.

"I think it's C" he says out loud quietly

"Yeah, it is" a deep voice responds softly

"Who sa-" Christian Grey starts to ask, before being cut off

"Shh" the deep voice says

"We'll talk later" the voice softly whispers

Christian Grey goes through the rest of the day wondering who he should expect to be hearing from, but no one ever reaches out to him until he's in bed that night, when suddenly

"Okay, I think we should be good now" is said at a medium volume out of the darkness

"Who's there?" Christian Grey asks

"It's me. It's Barry" the deep voice responds

"I don't know what that means" Christian Grey says

"Turn your lamp on" Barry says

Christian Grey leans to turn his lamp on, his eyes shining through the darkness, as grey as a greyhound. He doesn't have to feel around to find the knobby for the lamp. He turns his lamp on with his fingers in one try, and looks around his room, but he doesn't see anything.

"Down here, move the sheet!" Barry demands

Christian Grey moves his sheet to the side with his hand to find that his penis is really... taking on a life of it's own.

Christian Grey gasps which is totally out of character because usually nothing can surprise him, he's really smart.

"I'm Barry, nice to meet you" Barry says, extending one of his hands for a handshake

Christian Grey doesn't even hesitate to put his hand out, and shake Barry's hand.

"I feel like this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship" Christian says

And it was. It really was.

Christian Grey would spend the next decade rising to power, often consulting Barry on issues of business and other sorts of happenings. Christian Grey had everything he wanted. He met and fell in love with Anastasia even though she's not even that pretty. Everything was going well for Christian Grey. He even started thinking about telling Anastasia about Barry.

One morning would change everything. Christian Grey woke up to find out he was in trouble for embezzlement even though he knew he didn't embezzle anything. Christian Grey went through court and everything but he didn't go to jail because he's so charming, and the judge liked him too much.

Four months later, Christian Grey has just graduated from private detective school. He vowed to find whoever had framed him.

One day, Christian Grey, and Anastasia are working in their office when the mail runs. Anastasia goes out to get the mail, and there's a package waiting. She brings the package in, and inside is a disk that has "play me" written on it. They play the disk, and the video is of the outside of their house, until getting to a window to see Christian and Anastasia eating their dinner the night before, and again later from inside of their bedroom while they are sleeping.

"Who done this?!"Christian Grey says loudly, his eyes angry and greyer than cement

"I am so scared" Anastasia says, getting closer to Christian to feel safe

They watch the video again, and Christian starts replaying the part where they're eating dinner. He pays close attention to the part of the video where Anastasia uses her hands guide the fork with some vegetables on it to her mouth. He becomes aroused. His dick agrees, as he feels Barry getting worked up.

"Just look at that" Christian says

"At what?" Anastasia asks

"Look at you eating those fuckin' vegetables" Christian replies

Christian clears everything off of his desk by just pushing it all into the floor. He doesn't care if things break. He picks Anastasia up a little bit and sits her on the desk.

"I'm gonna have you now, you woman" Christian says sexually

"I'm contractually obliged to find this sexy"Anastasia replies just as sexually

"I got you a round trip ticket to pound town" Christian whispers into Anastasia's ear

He undresses them both and then bangs her so hard in the vagina, with his penis. He bites her. He slaps her on the boobie. He does every sex move in the book right there on the desk for at least seven minutes until he explodes, leaving her lady area looking like a bulldog's mouth when it's laying on it's side.

Christian goes to the kitchen to get some food while Anastasia cleans up. He looks down at his wiener

"Nice" Christian says to Barry

They have a laugh and Christian microwaves a ham and cheese hot pocket.

Later that night while Christian and Anastasia are watching Grey's Anatomy, Christian notices something out of the window - someone is filming them again! Christian gets up and runs out of the door and around towards where the person was. He didn't have time to put shoes on so sticks and stuff are poking his feet, but he's really tough. He sees the person in the distance heading towards the woods and follows them for like two minutes before the person is just too far ahead, so he heads back towards the house, but gets there to find that ANASTASIA IS MISSING.

There's signs of a struggle throughout the house, and a note on the TV that says "No cops. Just wait." Christian is so upset because his girlfriend got kidnapped. Christian feels defeated. He goes up to his bedroom to go to sleep, but thinks about Anastasia.

"It'll make you feel better" Barry says

Christian knows he's right. He starts to touch himself with images of Anastasia eating asparagus and other fine ass leafy greens flashing in his head. He starts to yell as he approaches climax, until one final yell and suddenly it's like someone is waving a gallon of milk around without the cap on. He drifts off to sleep.

Christian wakes up continuing to be sad because of Anastasia being kidnapped the night before. He has some breakfast, and decides he needs to get out of the house, but when he opens the front door, he finds a box sitting in front of it. Inside of the box is a Polaroid picture of Anastasia gagged and tied up, on the back an address and time are written.

"No one takes what's mine" Christian says

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Barry asks

"You bet your sweet dick I am" Christian replies

Christian heads into the basement and flips a switch at the bottom of the steps. The wall opens up to to reveal a bright room with an ass load of different guns and other kinds of weapons in it. Christian starts carefully picking which weapons he wants to take , occasionally consulting Barry, before heading upstairs and getting on the computer. He looks up the address and finds blueprints of the building, then he and Barry make a plan for once they're there.

Once it's finally time to go Christian and Barry arm themselves and get ready to put up a fight to get Anastasia back, because she's been kidnapped. Christian and Barry load the trunk of their car up with guns, and make their way to the address listed on the piece of paper that they received in the mail this morning.

Christian and Barry get inside, and sticking to their plan, decide it's best to split up and take separate hallways so that they can find Anastasia quicker.

"Good luck" Barry says

"Never needed it" Christian replies

They head off in different ways.

Christian walks down a dark hallway, and rounds a corner as it opens into a large room. Right when he walks into the room, someone tries to ambush him from the side. The person swings at him with his fist but Christian is too fast for him, and dodges it, before retailing with his own punch to the persons head. The person goes down, and Christian gets on top of him.

"Where is she?!" Christian demands, raising his fist to indicate he will hit the person with his fist again if he doesn't get what he wants

"I'm not sayin' anything!" the person answers

Christian Grey punches the person with his fist again, because he's so angry. The person is knocked out cold from the fist punch. Christian Grey is really strong.

Christian Grey continues through the room, and down another hallway that ends at a door. He presses his ear up to the door to listen, before opening it, the room is dark but there's a dim light in the middle, and Anastasia is sitting tied up in a chair beneath it. Christian rushes over and frees her.

"I thought I was gonna lose you" Christian Grey says

"I think it's time you DIE!" Anastasia replies

His cock concurs, as Barry steps out of the shadows wearing a trench coat and fedora.

"I concur" Barry says agreeingly

BANG! Barry shoots Christian Grey in the arm same arm that has the hand he was holding the gun with.

"It didn't have to come to this" Anastasia says

"If you just would've gone away for embezzlement. We had it planned so perfectly"

Barry ties Christian up and in the chair that Anastasia was tied up in. Christian tries to speak, but Barry puts tape over his mouth. Christian sits there looking confused even though he isn't confused very often.

"We started talking at night while you were asleep. We got... much closer." Barry explains

"Get that white flatbread ass over here" Barry says, pulling Anastasia over to him

They start to kiss. Within minutes, Christian is witness to the hardest banging since spring haircut time. Anastasia and Barry are both making sounds that indicate it's a good time. Christian is irate and upset and trying to yell, but he can't because of the tape over his mouth. Before long it's time for ejaculation time, which leaves a scene best described as "mayonnaise flooding out of a skyscraper"

"You should've gone away, Christian. Instead we have to put you away." Barry says

Anastasia takes the gun from Barry, and shoots Christian again, and then lets the gun fall to the floor.

"It's over now" Barry says, comforting Anastasia

Anastasia and Barry get rid of any evidence that they were there, and leave the room where Christian Grey died, turning the dim light off on their way out.

It's dark now.


End file.
